spring in paris - part one

As mentioned, I am no longer in France, but that doesn't prevent me from reminiscing. My last trip to Paris was in April, we zipped up there for a weekend with Paul's mom. It was a fantastic weekend for me. I don't have a lot to say about the trip, so this will be a photo-heavy post, but I thought I'd least I'd share the images. This will be part one of ... two or three?

Regardless of what was up ahead of me at the time, regardless of what might have been going through anyone else's head at the time of this trip, or what might have been around the corner, I was happy in Paris. That's what counts. These will remain positive memories because I was happy at the time. I get to make that choice and I am choosing to hold onto the good times.

There are more photos and details after the jump... like I said, lots of photos because they make me smile.

fairness

Versailles on our most recent trip to Paris.

I realized something today and it felt like a weight was lifted. It's not like the clouds parted and left pure sun and bliss, but these realizations are steps. Insights, rationalizations, deeper understandings, pieces to my puzzle...

My year abroad wasn't supposed to be cut short like this. I wasn't ready for it to be over.

I had so many spring and summer plans. Places I wanted to visit in France. Things I wanted to do... Picnics on the riverbanks, wine in the park, bike rides after dinner and more. So many cities and restaurants were still on my list. My adventure was still in high gear. I wanted to make more memories, this was MY experience of a lifetime.

Coming home was a hard decision, but I think it was best. My support network, my friends and family, are here and I need them, big time. But that doesn't mean I am not angry about the adventure I will be missing.

What hurts most?

HE will get to continue to live that adventure.

That doesn't seem fair. I worked hard to make this year possible, I put my heart and soul into making it work... for US. Now I get pushed to the side and he gets to enjoy the ride. Doesn't seem fair, but no one said life was fair, right? I know I am lucky to have the memories I have, the experiences I did get were amazing, but I wasn't finished yet.

I will start planning new adventures, but for now I can't help being sad about the ones I was supposed to be enjoying right now and mad that someone is enjoying them in my place.

celebrate the small stuff

Some days you have to celebrate the small stuff.

Life doesn't feel normal (yet) and won't for a while, I get that.

Foods don't taste the same. Things aren't as funny. Smiles don't come as easy. Loneliness is crippling. But at some point, you have to force the small steps. Or at least that's what I am going to try.

Today I went for a run (despite the scorching Californian desert temperatures). I got to try my new headphones - made for women! - and I love them. I have ridiculously small ears and headphones are a constant struggle.

Today I went for a bike ride (to the bar, but it still counts).

Today I managed to study for thirty minutes, but I'll probably have to review it all tomorrow because my concentration is a little... lacking lately (and I was at the bar).

I wish you all a happy weekend - whether you're celebrating big stuff or small stuff.

chocolate for the soul

I'm still really struggling to come to terms with what life has thrown my way. I'm a planner, a rationalizer, a thinker. I like to ask questions, seek answers and understand. I make decisions based on information and those decisions shape my life. But when you fall in love, you give some decision power to someone else. You let yourself be vulnerable, you open up the possibility that someone else's decisions can impact your life and that's what happened to me.

Would I take a minute of it back? Would I love less? Would I be more guarded? Would I do anything differently? No. Not for a second. No regrets. But is it really hard to accept that my life is changing and I don't have a say? Yes. But I can choose how to react from this point forward, how to pick myself up and put myself back together with integrity, strength and support from people who love me. I have the power to decide and I am choosing forgiveness, acceptance and love. It isn't easy but it's the right choice for me.

In the meantime, while I take it day by day and allow myself to feel, live and breath through this experience I got to try something new and chocolatey! I came across this 'brewed chocolate' business a while back over here and was super keen to try it - I love me some dark chocolate.

So what is it? Well I tried Crio Bru (but there are other brands) and essentially it is brewed like coffee but made from cocoa beans. It is loaded with antioxidants, no caffeine, and a whole host of other benefits that you can read about here.

But the real question... how does it taste? Mmm, delicious! I added a dash of coconut-vanilla almond milk and it was divine. It is no hot chocolate, because it is brewed with water and it is unsweetened, but it has a delicious, intensely satisfying chocolate flavour. Consider it one of my new favourite things - a gift for my health and my soul.

one step at a time: pedicures

I don't know what the rules are on how you're supposed to 'deal' with the curve balls that life throws your way, but I'm figuring out my own path. Each day I try to do (at least) one thing that brings me pleasure or happiness, even if it isn't bringing me the happiness it once did, it's a start.

Today was pedicure day.

I haven't had a pedicure in almost a year because of my French pedicure disaster. Remembering that story made me laugh and every day needs a little laughter, or at least a smile, so I figured I would share my disaster. I swear to you, the following story is not an exaggeration, this really happened.

Last summer my feet were at that point where they'd seen better days and I needed a pedicure. At home, if you need to find a service (or anything for that matter) you look online... yelp almost always knows best. However, in France, people don't really review things online so I just set out looking for a pedicure (thinking how bad could it be?).

The first place said they do pedicures but just the polish, no scrubbin' and buffin' and let's face it, that's why I'm getting a pedicure! So on to the next spot...

Around the corner I found a tiny spot. A hole in the wall. The owner seemed friendly though and explained she was just opening up her shop, so it was 'under construction' but she'd be happy to give me her 'deluxe' pedicure. I was desperate...

Turns out it was VERY much under construction so I was seated on a folding chair with a bowl of water at my feet but hey, everyone has to start their business somewhere, right? It was dark because they were still sorting out lighting. Okay, but she can see my feet so that's what counts, right?

Next thing she does is pull out some coffee grinds and uses them to buff my feet. This was new for me, but hey, you have to be open to new experiences, right? Then she aggressively filed my nails and may have accidentally cut me. Honestly, no big deal, it happens and I didn't think much of it.

Then she starts telling me her about her unique offering - fresh fruit. Sorry, fresh fruit? Yes, she wanted to use fresh fruit, that must be cut in front of the customer, for the pedicure. I wasn't clear on how she intended to do this until she pulled out a lemon and cut it right in front of me and squirted it all over my feet, and my cut. No joke. This is where I realized that I should have thought through the question of 'how bad can it be?' a little more carefully.

Anyways, after the citrus burned through the coffee and my cut, we were ready for polish. This is when I took a quick glance at her toenails to hopefully be reassured that at least I'd end up with a solid paint job... shit. The polish on her feet looked like it had been applied by a drunken toddler. Speaking of toddlers, her grandson came for a visit during the pedicure and she took a little break to play with him. Of course, don't mind me, I'll just be here on this comfortable folding chair with my feet in plastic bags full of coffee grinds and lemon?!?!

Oh dear.

Needless to say, when she started painting she didn't 'stay in the lines', maybe I should have asked her grandson to take over. At one point she spilled the nail polish all over her pants, she managed to do two coats on one foot and FOUR on the other and no base coat or top coat. Was she drunk? My feet have never looked more hideous, complete with coffee grinds stuck between my toes.

On my way home I grabbed some polish remover.

End of story.

here i go

Finality. New beginnings. But what about the messy part in between?

Today I'm getting on a plane to go home, alone. After ten years with my best friend, one of the loves of my life, I am now closing that chapter and starting a new one. Turning the page. I know that it is for the best, I know that when one door closes all these windows open and whatnot, but here is the thing...

I am not ready.

I am terrified. I am paralyzed. I am full of sorrow and grief. I am gutted. I am raw.

I am just not ready.

I don't have a choice in the matter. Holding on isn't going to change anything, but I'm just not ready to let go.

I know the mantras from friends and family - I am strong, I will be happy and it does get better. I believe them, but right now, I weakly want to throw my hands up and say 'I'm not strong enough...'. But whether I like it or not, whether I'm ready or not, whether I feel strong enough or not, this is happening.

This life is suddenly my reality - someone else wrote this part of the book and decided this is where the chapter ends and they are turning the page.

So here I go.

goodbye for now.

Sometimes someone pulls the rug out from underneath you. If you're lucky, like me, under that rug you'll have some amazing pillars of strength to stand on. Family and friends. You won't realize how strong they are and how much you'll need to depend on them, stand on them, lean on them, until that rug gets pulled out from under you. I'm so incredibly thankful for my pillars and I need them more than ever.

I know that's a little cryptic and I know I don't necessarily owe an explanation to this space, but I do know that I have a small group of loyal readers. To those people, thank you for reading my ramblings and making me feel like I wasn't just launching them into a big black hole.

I'll be taking a pause from blogging I think. Or maybe I won't. Maybe it will be an outlet. But life has changed for me and taken a turn I didn't expect. People aren't always who you think they are, and that will be their burden to carry, not mine. So with that I"m packing my bags and heading home. Looking forward to a mother's embrace, a friend's shoulder and the comfort that comes with being home.

See you soon.